Have you ever heard the old children’s nursery rhyme that goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” It’s a familiar rhyme intended to help children to deal with insults by staying calm and ignoring them. But ask yourself: Is this helpful? Is it even accurate?
What can we do when “words” do hurt us?
Despite this familiar poem, the reality is that words can hurt us. (Sometimes even more than the literal sticks and stones described in the nursery rhyme.)
With the increasing prevalence of online bullying, it seems that the very act of “turning the other cheek” or ignoring insults and name-calling is uncommon these days.
In fact, many of the people I’ve helped in my work as a counselor had suicidal thoughts or feelings, in part based on something that had been done or said to them online.
These days, more young people – even as young as eight or nine – have felt distraught or worse based on what someone has said to them on social media. There are many possible reasons for this, but it brings to mind a question:
So what can we do when sticks and stones and names become painful?
In other words, when the insults come – online or in “real life” – how can we deal with them effectively?
Here are three questions to ask when you receive negative criticism (or insults):
- “Is it true?”
- “Does it matter?”
- “Can you do anything about it?”
Question #1: “Is it true?”
The first question we need to ask when insulted when somebody offers negative criticism is, are the things that they are saying accurate?
If they aren’t, then there isn’t a whole lot to concern us. The other person is either irritated, choosing to be rude, or maybe just hadn’t yet had their morning coffee. In any case, you could probably just walk away and get on with the rest of your day.
But if what they’re saying is true, then it’s something to take seriously. After all, no one likes to hear negative things about themselves, but if there is validity to their criticism, it can be helpful feedback, regardless of our personal feelings about it.
Question #2. “Does it matter?”
Even if something is true, it may be of little significance or meaning. In other words, someone may have identified something about you that might need to change, but it may not be significant enough to spend much time or effort to fix.
The simple reality is, many people today spend a lot of time finding fault with others. (Predictably, they don’t take it in time for self-reflection.) In any case, these self-appointed “truth tellers” may find something useful or they may not.
If what they have described is significant and you care to take some action, then there’s one last question to ask:
Question #3: “Can you do anything about it?”
If the criticism is accurate and worth your time to investigate, the next thing to ask is if there’s anything at all that you can do to address or fix the situation. Even important things have to be addressed at the right time and even in the right place.
For example, I recently went on a trip overseas but didn’t know the native language of the country I was visiting. As you might imagine, I got a lot of puzzled looks (and comments) from my in-laws when I didn’t speak much.
- It was true that I was not well-versed in the language.
- It was also true that my language deficiency was important because of the challenges in communicating with family and new friends.
- However, in the middle of our vacation, there wasn’t much time to do a lot of studies. So at that moment, there wasn’t much I could do about my inability to speak the language.
(But I am working on my Rosetta Stone modules before our next trip!)
Criticism offers an opportunity for us to possibly make needed changes in our lives and to improve the things we do. However, it also provides an opportunity for others to offer their unwanted inputs and how we live our lives.
Whether or not you choose to be upset about negative comments you receive is completely up to you.
In my experience, asking these three questions can go a long way to helping us receive negative criticism in the right way and the right emotional mindset so that we can be open to making changes.
They can also help us to evaluate the validity of the criticism that others offer.
After all, words – and negative criticism – can hurt us, but they don’t have to. Their power is determined not by the intentions of the giver, but the thoughtful response of the receiver.
So you, ultimately, decide whether someone’s “words” will hurt you.
“Sticks and stones”? Now, that’s an entirely different matter. But that’s why they have self-defense classes.
What are some ways you have found to deal with criticism, either in the past or in your life today? What suggestions would you make to help someone deal with hurtful words?
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