Over the years, I have counseled many people who were going through difficult and traumatic times. Sometimes it was the impending death of a loved one. Other times, it was the loss of a job, a relationship, or even a dream. No matter what the situation was, the folks who were going through it were in one of two groups. The first group consisted of those who were mentally and emotionally resilient. The second, those who were not.

Those who were resilient would grieve, even cry – often right there in my office. Their pain was palpable; their grief was profound. And yet, they held onto a measure of hope (belief, really) that the pain they were going through wouldn’t last forever. They would always feel the loss they had suffered, but it wouldn’t always bring about such acute pain. One day, they would “move on” (whatever that meant for them). They would discover how to live this new, profoundly changed life.

The other group had a very different experience. For them, the pain of loss was unbearable, even crippling. They couldn’t see any hope of a normal life after the loss they had suffered. Even if the possibility did exist, they didn’t even want to try. At times, the burden of grief they bore brought on deep depression and even thoughts of suicide. They couldn’t bear to go on, whether due to their own feelings of guilt (often “survivor’s guilt”), loss, or both.

Two Very Different Groups

So what made the difference between the two groups? What was it about the resilient group that gave them a sense of hope, even in the midst of profound sorrow? What was it that kept the other group in the pit of depression and despair, often to the point of self-harm?

In my opinion, the answers lie in the differences between the self-beliefs of both groups. In other words, one group believed that it is possible for them to make it through their present difficulties. The other group either doubted or completely disbelieved they could do so. In many ways, this group seems to be growing larger each year.

This is not a new revelation. One might even make a persuasive case that the differences are generational. After all, most of what we face these days doesn’t even compare to either World War or the Great Depression. In any case, it seems that we, as a society, seem to be less resilient than we used to be.

A society, however, is comprised of individual people. Those people encounter loss and grief individually and personally. As I mentioned earlier, some deal with grief and loss better than others. The question remains: Are there characteristics of or beliefs held by the more resilient among us that we can identify? Beliefs that make them more mentally strong than others around them, in any situation?

I believe there are.

We’ll look at that question next time…